I'm moving on
by Alieannah
Summary: Songfic Its 5 years later. What if Edward never came back? What of Charlie passed away? What if there was no Victoria? Edwards memory is driving Bella crazy and she need to get away from Forks.


Summary: (Songfic) It's 5 years later. What if Edward never came back? What if Charlie died? What if there was no Victoria? Edwards memory is driving Bella crazy and she needs to get away from forks.

Title: I'm Moving On

Song: I'm moving on- Rascal Flatts

Story:

I must get out of Forks!

_I've dealt with my ghosts _

_And I've faced all my demons_

_Finally content_

_With a past I regret_

I loved him so much, but I can't let him be the center of my being anymore. I need to get out now for my sake as well as for the sake of those around me. I may regret meeting him, but I could never regret loving him.

_I've found you find strength_

_In your moments of weakness_

_For once_

_I'm at peace with myself_

In all that time that I had myself convinced that my life couldn't continue without him, I was weak. But I found my strength... Jacob. He understands why I'm leaving… he has always understood. I need peace, but in Forks, with reminders of him everywhere, that isn't possible.

_I've been burdened with blame_

_Trapped in the past for to long_

Of course I blamed myself, some small part of me still does. But that small part is also the one trying to convince me that he still loves me. I think it's my heart, but I made the sound decision to ignore it long ago. I quickly learned that wallowing in numbness easily erases the pain. I've been waiting for him for much to long. I've finally pulled myself out of the past… finally.

_I'm moving on_

I must get out of Forks!

_I've lived in this place_

_And I know all the faces_

_Each one is different_

_But they're always the same_

I see faces everyday… Mike, Jessica, Lauren…ew... Angela. They all live here in happy, harmonious, togetherness. Can they even begin to grasp the pain I've gone through these past 5 years? To me, although I know each individually, they will always he mushed together and labeled as the happy citizens of Forks.

_They mean me no harm_

_But it time that I face it_

_They'll never _

_Allow me to change_

Although on the outside I've changed drastically,,, I'm skinnier, my hair is thinner, and my cheeks have lost their color, my eyes their luster… here in cheerio sized Forks, I will always be Bella, I will always be that Cullenwince girl. Do they understand how much it hurts when I hear that?

_But I never dreamed_

_Home would end up where I don't belong_

Forks was home, The Cullenwince mansion was home, my room was home. But without him they mean nothing to me. I don't want any of it. Home is where he is. And he is gone, so I don't have a home.

_I'm moving on_

I must get out of Forks!

_I'm moving on_

_At last I can see_

_Life has been patiently _

_Waiting for me_

I can feel it. Although I've been stuck in this hellhole called Forks, his memory was the thing that pushed me off that cliff. But beyond Forks, back in Phoenix, or maybe even Jacksonville there is a life for me. Just no happy ending, but I think I can live with that.

_And I know_

_There's no guarantees _

_But I'm not_

_Alone_

Even though I know they are gone, and I can't be positive. I still hear them sometimes. Alice's wince squeal, Emmett'swince booming laughter, and my lullaby rolling off of his tongue. Sometimes it's almost so clear that I rush to the window just to check. It hurts to hear them, re-tearing the gaping hole wide open, so that the jagged edges mash together. But still through that pain hearing the voices makes me believe that they still…somehow…care, and I don't feel quite so lonely.

_There comes a time_

_In everyone's life_

_When all you can see_

_Are the years passing by_

_And I've made up my mind_

_That those days are gone_

I used to sit there for days and not do anything. I was hardly aware when Charlie passed away from a heart attack two years ago. When I realized it tore me apart. I finally decided to stop mourning, and snatch those years that I was losing back, I would need them.

_I've sold what I could_

_And I've packed what I couldn't_

_Stopped to fill up _

_On my way out of town_

I sold Charlie's home, and as much else as I could. Stuffing everything that people wouldn't buy into boxes, and throwing them into the bed of my ancient truck. I stopped on the very outskirts of Forks to fill up the truck with gas, and then flew out of there like a bat out of hell.

_I've loved like I should_

_And lived like I shouldn't_

_I had to lose everything_

_To find out_

I loved him with my mind, heart, and soul just as you're supposed to, but I lived in fear. Not of who they were, or of what I could become, but of the fear that I was not worthy to be loved by him. That his love for me was not strong enough to be permanent and that was what scared me. That feeling caused me to hold back on everything that I held dear to my heart. He obviously saw this, and like I had envisioned, his love for me faded. Leaving me shattered and irreplaceable.

_Maybe forgiveness_

_Will find me_

_Somewhere_

_Down this road_

Maybe one-day god will forgive me for throwing away true love. Maybe he will forgive me for doubting him. And maybe… just maybe… I can forgive him for leaving me…maybe.

_I'm moving on_

I'm getting away from his memory

_I'm moving on_

Away from Forks and real true love

_I'm moving on_

I'm moving on


End file.
